Discussion with Maya - Relationships-20241014_140947-Meeting Recording
October 14, 2024, 3:09AM
59m 10s
Allen Chan 0:06
Hey, and welcome to another episode of our podcast with Maya and myself.
Yeah, it's been a few episodes now, so hopefully you're getting some value. But then this week we'll be talking about what Maya, what's topic?
So since we talk about different on different topics like Tam and his name and mental health and all.
So this time we're gonna talk about the healthy relationship, OK, healthy relationship. You may need to speak a bit louder so they can hear you, but OK.
But what topics specifically?
Is it like?
What questions do you have?
Like, how do you maintain the healthy relationship with your partner or with your family as a whole?
Yeah, sure.
I'm glad you asked.
I think we mean talk about time management work, life balance, right.
Embracing your fee like I feel relationship is definitely one key thing that human beings really value.
No doubt especially.
With COVID it has created a lot of challenges. When we're just in the home and not able to connect.
Or build these relationship so therefore it is I think important way to master. But before we continue we we need to obviously understand. Hey, what what is your definition? What relationships, right?
But I believe we talked about time management.
It is about locking in that time to achieve specific outcome, right?
So whether it's in your relationships, I guess.
E-mail I have dates that we go to.
And it's not like having an agenda like, you know what to talk about. But it's really just connecting and being present for each other.
As much as the two goals, I have our individual tastes, so hopefully the older one has a space to open up and also the younger one really look forward to.
So any relationship is important to making that time right.
So and then not having like sometimes a specific agenda, but there are some topics I guess to discuss.
But yeah, I think locking it in is a key thing.
Otherwise you can't build relationships just.
Assuming right all the unspoken word. So yeah, maybe.
I mean what?
What specific areas of relationship is it all rounder or is a particular area that you're asking why?
Maybe it's about a part or relationship with your partner.
Yeah, OK, sure.
Well, I think the key thing is if it's with your partner like you need to have those sort of environment like, I mean whether you're going out to discuss whether it's a home, whether it's a dinner table, like who's gonna be there, right, if it's with the family.
It's very different if it's you and your partner, right?
I'm talking from a a family basis, but if it's boyfriend girlfriend, of course, right?
It's very different if it's amongst friends versus like you, you know, going together.
But I key.
I think the key thing is communication skills.
You know, communication skills is so broad and we go, hey, we just need to communicate.
I'm still working on it right because there could be a lot of things that are unspoken.
So what I mean by unspoken right?
I mean, yes, is it through time that you understand each other?
Yeah, maybe when you have different challenges like let's say around the area of cleanliness, right?
Maybe 1 expects 1 standard and the other doesn't expect the other standard, right?
So there will be a difference, but you know you're communicating.
But if you're not effectively communicating or even communicating this public in its own right, then you don't have further progress in it.
Because sometimes they go, oh, we don't argue or we don't communicate right.
So is that a good thing or bad thing?
Well, it just means that you never communicate.
Articulate what your expectations are.
So therefore, there's no transparency and there's no clarity and I feel with anything that you do, you need to have absolute clar.
And I'm still working on it, right?
Me and my own relationship, right?
If you don't communicate effectively, how is it that you you're able to understand the other person? I feel within communication there's another thesis that we talked about in our podcast. For those that don't know, given our face, we got two ES and one mouth. I'm talking a lot.
But maybe sometimes need to my wife's giving me some feedback to just pause a little bit.
It's too ease for for reason.
Is to be actively listening, right?
So even in sales or in other relationships or businesses, it's not always you talking about everything about listening to what the other person is going through or asking sort of questions and preferably depending on the situation like opening the questions.
So they talk a bit about themselves.
This other thing also communications is like, you know, verbal, right? Umm, communication and the facial expression.
In fact, we don't use.
That's the most unemployed part of our face at the moment, right?
People are just like, Oh yeah, I'm not looking forward to it.
You can sense the energy, right?
I'm not saying, hey, you got to be in the face and go. Hey, man, I'm really excited all the time. Because to sustain that requires a lot of energy for and consistency.
But it's really like using facial expression and body language to express how happy you are.
How sad.
How frustrating, right?
All these different emotion and lastly communications is about catching.
Right, I do agree.
I do talk a bit more than usual and is about listening.
I do learn to listen and being mindful of that skill, but also it's getting feedback.
How do we give like you know, constructive feedback in this communication session?
So I go with my girls like like that is communication.
Maybe the delivery is crap.
But the intention is there, like around the area of homework.
But you know they we need to communicate to really define. Hey, what's homework?
What does it mean?
Why are we doing it?
So they get that like full process happening, so the communication.
Ooking the time.
Yeah, I had that session.
I take that activity.
We we bought a dinner or we got a coffee and that's it.
But leaving things unspoken is probably not the best way, right?
And we learn, right?
The reason why we don't speak is like, oh, I'm concerned. What that person he's going to or she's going to feel, right, but you might put it in the right context and you have to go through as a couple, right. And as a relationship.
Yeah. So does that help?
Yeah. So what are some other qualities of a healthy relationship, healthy relationship, apart from the communication?
Ation.
Well, I guess.
Trusts and I I like one thing, trust and vulnerability.
Why do I say that? Like I've seen or not experienced?
Oh, I experienced myself like, you know, once you're in a couple like you think everything's all good, like, and then sometimes it's not everything that you share, but you know, as a man is different to a woman. But, you know, the man may think, oh, don't want.
Them to stress everything's OK, but.
In fact, that is not being vulnerable, and that would scare the crap out of the other partner, right?
Because things are not as it seems, right? So.
Yeah. So for example, just using the House as as an example, right?
I'll communicate it every part of the journey that hey, it's not an easy task in buying a home, right?
And you were aware of that journey right when I first execute it. But I may, you know, it may seem very like like, like in terms of, like, oh, you can tackle that challenge.
But inside there was a lot of things going through my head.
My calculation had to access the money.
Uncertainties come through, so it's really articulating that.
Umm, it's it's fully that you can articulate because if you like articulate everything and I agree like with some men out there is like Oh my God, they will just freak out and buy.
You know, I do articulate. It is a challenge.
I'm working on that challenge.
There's still other ways, so it's supporting each other like and being vulnerable at that space, but not every time we're vulnerable. Then it's like no certainty, right?
So therefore that's where the trust and then accountability.
Right. So we need to establish that trust being vulnerable at times, so really get into each other's well what they're thinking.
Because there was one stage even I said, hey, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, right?
If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. If it doesn't, we lose 5%.
Let it be a lesson. It's not meant for right now because you know we need to.
Do you know financials and documentation?
But we went through it.
There was a bit of a cost because we didn't settle on time, but it wasn't about settling on time and the penalty interest is the fact that we got it right and we gone through that journey. And yeah, she's very proud of it and and other people and.
So therefore, if you always is the journey that you go through is never the destination. It was never about getting the house, it was about going through these moments and being there for each other.
Trust being vulnerable, right?
That's important in this process.
Yeah. So, like, how do you differentiate between healthy and unhealthy relationship?
Well, it's like, you know, when your your own health, right?
You mentioned to me before, right?
You're eating a lot of unhealthy snacks, and it's a consistent pattern.
You know you're heading towards that unhealthy part, whereas like you can be very healthy in the extreme, but at the same time, are you really robbing yourself, having a piece of chocolate?
Right. So it's OK to be unhealthy at certain times so.
There it depends on your definition and your measurement.
Everyone's different.
How can I give you a standard because.
If you define talking to someone is already communication, then you already achieve that.
But you mention about effective or quality like relationships. You need to go to the next level, which is yes, assessing where you're at and you need to require that emotional intelligence. I feel throughout our growth in our journey is more being self-awareness right? So self-awareness.
Need to be mindful of where you're at, right?
You know, we talked about trust and vulnerable.
Am I just trusting too much or am I not being vulnerable enough?
Right. So it's not saying, hey, you, you you're beating yourself over your head saying you're wrong, you're just establishing.
Hey, look.
You know, I haven't been rumble as much because I've just been everything's OK, but it's not OK, right?
You know that it is the fax, right?
It is a challenge we need to face it so therefore that self-awareness is the key and also having that sense of empathy to relate and understanding the other partner like relationship. I feel if you don't define it properly then it can be a bit messy. What I.
Mean by that, like people go often go into relationship to take.
If you're going to a relationship to take.
And I think there's much right that is gonna be fruitful from that relationship because, you know, we all could be nice people, including myself. And you're in the relationship and that other parties is taking and not contributing doesn't go both ways, then it's not going to sustain it.
Not going to last, right?
Therefore, you're in a relationship to give and firstly, if you're both in that relationship to give, there's amazing things that's going to happen. Not saying there's no challenges.
But there's always going to be challenges. True, right?
But it's just been aware of your emotions.
Why is it intelligence?
Because it's great to identify it.
But if you're not gonna do anything about it, right, nothing's gonna change, right?
You're not gonna work on yourself.
And hey, how do I be a bit more caring?
How do I be a bit more empathetic so it's always around what you need to be working on rather than hey, the partner should be like that. Roy. You've been in a relationship. You're accepting now. You can always influence.
So you have to communicate when things don't.
Hey, I don't really don't like it when you know you're putting all these right.
Or you don't put the trash out.
I really don't like it like this is how I feel about it, right? What I learned in some books.
Also, if it's how you feel, you can't control how I feel, right?
I'm expressing my feelings.
You can get upset over it, but this is how I feel about it, right?
If you really love me or really like me or you want to work on it, you want to do something about it.
I'm not saying every single time, but you'll be my for like for example like my.
Roles and responsibilities is to washing dishes, right?
But there's times I get tired, right?
And she knows that.
And she will go. Hey, don't worry about it.
I just want you to rest and even though it's my roles and responsibilities, like she'll do it and the reason why I do more active service, because that's kind of her language of love, right?
So it's acts of service.
People are different.
I mean, for those that read the book, it's like words for affirmation gives, right? Umm.
You know, words are words and then gives and then touch, right?
And then it could be active service, right?
So then there are four different languages, so it's just understanding at the moment what to use, right?
Even with your kids like you, go and shout at them all the time, right?
You shout and that's one lever that you're using.
Most often they will resent you because oh, you're doing well. You hit them.
You're not doing well. They hit them.
They they don't know what to do right in terms of behavior, emotions. Same thing in relationship.
So you gotta be self aware and having that emotional intelligence. Does that make sense?
Yeah. So since you mentioned about the communication skills, how it foster the healthy relationship, so how can couples improve their communication skills?
Oh, I guess there's topics to talk about, right?
No doubt, and setting certain goals, you know things you wanna achieve.
I mean, there's a reason why you're together in the first place.
What's the common values that you're talking about, right?
So I mean everything that we have today is probably a result of me and Lai talking about it like in the past where there was a dream, just a topic of conversation.
It was a bit far reached, but we're talking about it.
What's the future planning right?
I mean, we talked about things that are very deep.
I wanna mention it today, but it's very no confronting, right?
So what if?
But I know my chair is if one partner goes or what's your big sphere, right?
Those sort of things.
So it's really topics that we like, maybe a couple may not want to explore or talk about, but if it's aligned with your values, we're always talking about the future.
But how are we going to retire?
How are we going to raise the kids?
How are we going to like, you know, what are we working on now?
So it's just like that sense of purpose.
Right, so you need to have some core values like both me and lie.
Like really value is family.
That I hate talking family, right?
And I know maybe someone I've seen, or even my own family, right. They talk family.
Like what's family?
They maybe are just taking a photo.
We we caught up.
But is that a quality catch up in terms of family or is it very meaningful and we like, maybe I have a set expectation, right?
But I said doing family and caring for the family is really like even the kids are starting to love Daddy. How's your day, right?
I know.
Like they're joking about it or they're it's just really communicating what you know and might ask them.
How's your day, right?
Tell me something, right?
So they're opening up.
Yeah. So and then obviously common goals.
I'm not saying you have to have all goals, like at least you know what your partner and vice versa is doing.
I'll share with them our you know, VA project and and just talking out loud, she's very excited about it.
She's just, you know, cautioning me with somethings, right?
Because we're building an organization. So you're only as good as your people, right?
So it's not just you, do they really understand your vision?
Do they really understand your mission? And so forth, and then growing together like I feel one of the key things that we acknowledge is that she goes, oh, I learn so much from you, but vice versa.
I learned so much from her right.
There's that mature understanding, right?
Not that my wife's not capable, like you know, or, you know, acts of service, right? There was a moment that.
Hey, you know like.
My one of my.
God parents was looking at me.
He's like, hey, you know, you gotta open the door, right?
You know, for your lady, right?
So he's big on that and he's consistent ever since, right?
So is this kind of winking at me like you should do it right, you know?
And then I'm doing it.
And then she's like, oh, you're just doing it because your godparents are here, right?
Yes, in a sense.
But I said, oh, I express my ways of acts of service through. Hey, man, we're just leaving now.
Have we got everything?
I'm just checking right?
Have you got your keys?
Can you just check everything?
So just slowing her down because she's got 10 million things in her head.
Have you got your pass?
Have you got that right? So at least that us, right?
I'll do that with the girls.
So that's one way to kind of not arrive and go. Hey, sorry, I forgot my laptop or I forgot my passw right.
Look, it happens like I make mistakes too.
But at least there's one way to kind of prevent that not to be that perfection standard, but just a level of caring right that I have.
So yeah, I think I'm growing together and learning from each other. That's the key.
Yeah, what else?
So let's talk about the BLOB and compatibility.
So how important is compatibility? You know relationship like our log and compatibility pulling, pulling. Or does one matter more than the other one?
Well, I think the caller.
I know some people are like compatibility.
I feel as a couple or relationship, you know, gotta work on it, right?
It's not something that if you're saying that's the one like.
What are you adding to the relationship without the expectation of return?
Are you playing full out or you're just a bit reserved?
I'll do this and then if you do this to me, right?
So it's kind of bit of a trade.
So they talk about Tony talks about the level one Level 2, Level 3 level one is like you know, you're not even in the relationship. You're just there to take rather than to give level twos like kind of hey, I'm there to give only if you were to.
Do XYZ.
So it's a bit of trading involved, right?
Whereas Level 3 is that unconditional.
I don't care like.
Your needs are my needs, right?
I will do whatever it is.
I'm not expecting anything in return.
I love you. The person that you are.
I accept what you are. Yeah, it's frustrating.
Makes me feel a certain way. I'm communicating that to you.
But like, we're just working out.
I'm sure I've got flaws or or different differences that you know can work on.
The feedback we've got before, I would be a bit more.
Let's say I feel criticized right for that.
But you know, I wasn't really listening.
She just needs to get it out of her chest, right?
So she's frustrated about it, right?
Something for me to be aware of, right?
But the noise, right?
Like cleaning right?
So now like they're not that my place is spotless.
Like I even she's so happy that, hey, I'm translating that same message to the girls, right?
So simple things like hey, why is the clothes everywhere, right?
Why is this whole thing offline?
Why is this all about here?
Why is this right?
So I'm kind of like enforcing because I'm getting annoyed like I want to know where things are like at.
So they're like, oh, where's the goggles?
Well, they haven't put it in the place where they can find it, so therefore they they put it everywhere.
And they're not responsible for it.
You can't find it when it comes to swimming. Now I think for that, you know, I kinda like adapted and and you know become compatible, right.
Religion was another one.
Like because she was like had a list and then it's like, oh, it has to be Catholic.
Like I was a Catholic, but I'm happy to be in that faith, right?
That's my choice, right?
So therefore, when you're saying compatibility like no one.
'S yeah, you want to go for what you want in terms of a list.
There's no doubt there may be some sort of list or non negotiable.
Is that list able to change and adapt and change and evolve right?
Because you gotta be flexible.
Because if you say, hey, this is the things that is compatible I I mean, even her mom has a list of, you know, perfect soninlaw.
My mom has a list and both of them had like, oh, that person needs to speak Cantonese or she had, like, the the son in laws to speak in Tagalog, right?
Or Filipino.
Well, is that the most important? If you don't treat your you know your daughter correctly.
Is that the main thing?
So is that the non negotiable? Not really.
Right. But if it's good, hard kindness, like different values, that should be the most family, right?
What we talked about, what the values like, we didn't have a value like money first right with value growth, right and learning and contribution, right.
So that's where I feel in today's society. Maybe. Oh, got to be pretty.
Oh, got to be this.
Come on, man.
Everyone's going to get old, right?
Like you know, of course we.
Like you, you attracted by looks, no doubt, probably element.
Are they good character?
Do they care for each other?
Do they support like there may be other unspoken or unseen forces that you know creates that compatibility OK, but also be truthful as well?
But you can't force yourself.
Hey this is what I want.
I'm like yeah, it is compatible, right?
Because and that's the one thing I'm concerned about. Even with my 2 girls.
Like we call it a bit love drug, right?
Like we can see it on our side.
It's not the case, but they kind of force themselves.
Hey, it is actually really compatible, right?
So.
Yeah. And then flexibility in terms of expectation by communicating it, because you may have an expectation in your head.
Maybe don't communicate it.
No one's gonna know, but you're afraid to communicate it because there's a fear that you're going to be judged or it's not going to go well.
Those sort of things.
So now, like whatever's in my head, like I always says it. I may not like it, but she said, hey, I'm your wife.
You may not like what I say, but I'm just telling you because I wanted to share my thoughts, right?
So whether you take on the feedback, that's your story, OK.
So can talk about the different types of love, like romantic or platonic or family, and how maintaining balance among these is essential for love.
Love is definitely right.
But it's more like, yeah, talking to my daughter, right.
I think there was one time it's like.
You know. Oh.
You know, I married daddy.
No, because it's like romantic love, right?
So it's kind of my love with you is like a father and daughter, right?
Yeah, I can kiss you on the face on the head, not in the lips. Like those sort of things like or parental love, right?
So it's really understanding but.
Also for her, if she was like in trouble, she got caught, like doing something not right. Like there's still that unconditional love, right. And maybe upset or frustrated because it wasn't aligned to the values. And she made a decision.
But we still love her.
For who she is to kind of like, you know, take her to the next level, right.
So yeah, there's all these different love, right?
Love is a very powerful force.
That's for sure, right?
Because without love, right?
I mean, yes, you can have kids, but love is kind of like the way that it sustains in the long run, right?
When things don't go right, when things like a challenges come through right?
Who you gonna be like?
You're gonna need to love that person when it's hard, right?
And maybe loving yourself too, because you may need to change and and evolve right and communicate.
Or maybe love in a space like, you know, you may leave that relationship because you love them so much, right? So I think.
There's definitely, like, you know, there's there's family, right?
There's playful love like there's all this love, right?
If you were to search.
Compassion and love like you love. I love my team, but that's more like compassionate love. Like I love him because they really allow me to do the things that I love, which is now right talking about podcast and so forth, right.
They're still working on their business, no doubt. Like there's spiritual love for your, you know, higher divine right.
So whatever you believe in.
So yeah, love is probably a powerful language to talk about rather than hate or violence or hatred, right?
Those sort of thing, yeah, so.
If everyone's loving each other, there will be the world will be no doubt.
Hmm.
Since lie and you you both are working so you get PC and you might have this stressful times as well.
So how do you maintain a strong relationship in your busy schedule?
So that's why I mention because we do have kids and we lock in that time, right?
So like Saturday night for us, because if the in laws.
Are having the kids a sleepover?
We work late.
We go on a place right to eat.
So you see on Facebook or or social right?
It's more not because, hey, we're showing how we're going there. We're investing time.
And then we have a choice now where, like, you know, we were talking about it like 12 years ago.
Like you know, my story right when my business is like I had nothing like 0. But you know, at that time when I even to me, was the darkest moment because it was coming from a professional background. You always been taught to work in a job and you.
Know everything's gone, right?
And I had a mortgage at that time.
And, you know, Lai was the only one.
Go follow your dreams, right?
But now it's history.
Because I've earned, you know, learnt the robes and still learning, right? And adapting and making money and so forth.
But we commit to ourselves like to really spend that time together, right? So to document like, hey, we're going this place like we have a choice, right?
You know the world for all, like certain wealth, little wealth. But it's more like we can choose to go.
We were at UTS like just having a meal like very like reasonable value meal, right?
Or you can choose to be expensive, right?
But you have a choice.
But it wasn't never about the food.
It was just that experience.
Oh, this type of food? We have a chat.
And you know, we, I love driving and talking and different things and just dreaming right like.
Like there's a line I said to her like, because she was talking about if I was gone or something like that, right?
But I said a quote was really good. Was you only died once, but you leave every day.
But the question is, what are we doing every day to make sure we have that quality relationship?
I make an effort, right?
You see like on my socials, it's not because I'm there to brag.
I really capture like I like doing those videos.
Is this my way of capture right and and showing and documenting right of course, like it's not. There's a few photos. It's not the whole actual scene and recording like what we're doing right now, but it's just for me that little bit. That's the progress that we do.
Right. So if it's I, I realize if it's we don't have a date like once a month we get a bit edgy with each other, right?
Because, yeah, at at home, we kind of like, yeah, very.
Easy to just like do the activity like with the kids and and yeah, we do get busy and she's tired and she's on her Facebook or watching Korean drama series to relax. Like we don't actually talk that much at night.
So we use that time to be that bonding.
And appreciation and showing gratitude.
So yeah, and I do that with the girl.
So I have that space and environment and I'm still surprised, like I don't think the girls will share everything. Like, I mean, there's certain things that they'll share with me. Like, you know, they share that boy crashes and then all that stuff like, is this really good to?
See them develop and mature as a person and they grow so quickly. So I make an effort like.
Oh, you know, they they have a fight.
I think the other day, oh, Isabella's like, oh, you already had another date with Annabelle, right?
But then you know, I just had one with Isabella recently.
She's gonna have to ring this week.
I'm gonna spend some time with Annabelle.
So is that bonding and I, oh, we're gonna go games.
We're gonna go ice cream, right?
So it's kinda like they're already thinking about it and when they're thinking about it, they're really happy.
So that's that's why I do it.
So, like, how did we manage the conflict without like damaging the relationship?
Yes, conflict right?
So look, I think you gotta do it a bit tastefully, right?
Because if you come in your firstly, if you're in the wrong state, So what I mean in the wrong state?
You are tired at work.
You had some challenges or boss or some clients think go the way it is. You're already focusing very negatively, right? And your state's not in the right frame of mind.
Like, of course, don't talk about the challenges that you're going to have because you're not in that right state.
And guess what? If you're not in the right state, just like we're talking like, I'm not angry.
You know when I'm talking in here. But you know when you watch someone and then you can sense that energy.
They like BP star for tired.
Right, that's where you need to have that self-awareness.
That no, you can't be in that state to go into that conversation.
To address the conflict, right?
Because if you do, what happens is you know your partner will create a story like you're always tired or drunk or whatever it is when you're addressing conflict, you're not really in a right frame of mind to really talk about it. And talking about it, it's not to.
Avoid it, right?
I mean, I'm still working on it.
There's things like don't talk about, but you know, like could be expectations.
It could be.
You know how to raise the kids.
Could be intimacy could be.
Money could be a lot of differe.
Practice. But the more you don't talk about it, you avoid it like it would never get addressed, right?
So therefore you frame it in a like sandwich was good.
Like it's not always like positive, right?
What I notice is this, right?
You know, this is a challenge. I'm not getting you to resolve it.
I'm just sharing how I feel about it because if you use how you feel about it.
Not right or wrong, right? If you're saying, hey, you are this right. Like, say this cup. OK, you can't see it. Like, this is green.
It's arguable.
You can say it's lock free.
You can say it's dark green, right?
You are this so, but when I say, hey, this is what I feel like, this is what happened and what I feel is like when this happening it makes me feel this way, OK?
So you can't challenge that because.
It's just happened and how you feel, right?
So you can work towards it.
There's something there's give them a framework that they can work towards, right?
To avoid it, right?
But then you I know we can do it, right?
Those sort of things is the sandwich will problem solving. You know how you tackling that idea? Like we come up with 1312, right?
So it's a challenge.
What's three options?
One option is no option is.
Two is a dilemma, but two, I'm sure if you brainstorm enough with enough people and you give it a bit more time, you always come up with at least three.
Then you can kind of have that choice.
I talked about AB and should have been AB and C.
You never walk AB and C at the same time.
You just need to decide that particular A or B or C that you're following. However, you don't go ahead because you're concerned about the outcome.
All three will have an outcome.
And it's not the desired outcome that you are thinking about.
Well, who knows? If you do it, it may be a different outcome altogether, but therefore it's about committing to it because you lose time.
Right. Or a sense of urgency.
And lastly, I guess like we all make mistakes.
I make mistakes.
I've been caught up in my mistakes, but it's what they value.
And again, forgiveness and having that sense of trust and openness, right?
Yeah, we all have to work on it.
Right, yeah.
So like.
How about this advice or solution for the couples who feel like they're stuck in a cycle of recurring arguments?
What kind of solution would you like to get?
Oh, I guess.
Suggestion is when there's all these fights like, I mean there's moments like I I don't know.
I mean, maybe in this podcast to share, like, but, you know, because Annabelle, the second one she had like post Natal, right?
It's a fact, but there was a stage where my expectation and her expectation wasn't aligned.
Like almost like, we're just gonna walk away, right?
I mean, little did we know? Oh, really true.
Yeah, because.
At that time it was very hard to.
On front when things are not going the way that he wants to, right?
And she's kind of like saying, oh, you may be better off without me.
Like there's a story and it comes back to that SSS.
I've been talking about it today.
A lot S stands for the estate.
S the next one is story and lastly, strategy like what you're asking me is always the strategy, but it's never the strategy.
1st it's actually the wrong order.
You really gotta focus on what's the state that you're in.
It's very important in your mindset, right?
Your intention, your authenticity, vulnerability, right, all that stuff is a state of mind, right?
Then the story that you tell yourself, like, is this an empowering like way to?
What's the story that we were creating?
Because your story that you create.
May.
Determine the action so you have a belief that, oh, she doesn't love me anymore.
She's just loving me because of this, right?
And I love is not forever. Like if you have certain beliefs about a story, you will find things that validate that love is not forever.
So therefore you both can create an empowering and disempowering meeting or story. And it's something to work on, right?
You're arguing because there's a misalignment, or whether it's values or expectations, right?
And sometimes I suggest not to bring up. Hey, you always do that in a right.
It's happened.
It hasn't changed, but the key thing is who you need to be.
Right. So therefore the commitment, right, when things don't align and you realign and say, hey, I promise to do this, what's the commitment? Otherwise, if you like the boy that cried wolf, we all know that story, right?
You may have a few chances, but when you commit to it and then you don't do it again, it becomes a reoccurring pattern so you don't show up.
You know you don't invest in the relationship then you know you don't proximity. And if you have proximity, you're arguing, right, because you're not valuing each other's differences.
Well, then, that's a question like, is it really worthwhile to be in there?
Like are we getting?
Not benefits.
Not because we're taking what are we adding to that relationship?
What are we giving right? So something to consider? I'm not saying love even for me. Like I see couples like, sometimes even my parents, right?
Yeah, like if you don't love each other like, why are you in a relationship?
Is it because, oh, like the tradition, says that you're married and you can't do this, right? Maybe. And it's a, is it true?
Is it a belief like life's too short?
You need to really.
I'm not saying living happily every day, right?
There's gonna be challenges, but what are you doing too?
Get better or get away from it.
So you're really living life to the most, right? That's what I say.
So what roles like in most intimate play in a healthy relationship?
And how can couples work to?
Connection. Wow, that's very deep.
Can you repeat that question again?
So we talk about the trust and also what role does emotional intimacy play in building a healthy relationship and how can couple achieve or work to dip in this emotional connection?
So emotional intimacy. So clarify.
Like so emotional.
Like, not not physical intimacy.
Emotional intimacy. Right. OK.
What role?
Definitely emotional intimacy plays a big role. Like you. You need to we talk about physical health or physical intimacy, right?
You got your emotional and your mental right.
I didn't provide that feedback.
I mean, not that my wife. I'm not like, I like that person. Like my two daughters do it.
Or how's your day today? Like it's as simple as that.
Like consistently doing it.
Like it's not.
To find out everything that I did, but it's just more for me as a way to express how I really feel about that day.
Because a lot of things happen in my day.
There's just a way to care, right?
So in answering a question, yes definitely you need to have that emotional intimacy.
But how are we?
You know, evolving or are we developing the skills to be better equipped in doing that?
Or are we not doing it?
So we're exploring what is the framework like.
I I guess it's asking questions.
How do you feel about this?
How do? How's everything? I'm just checking in.
Right. That's just an open question. I know this happened.
How do you feel about this or where we heading? Right. Those are the questions always.
That can help to start.
And we're human beings.
We talk right? We socialize.
We communicate and we don't do that right.
Effectively yes.
Then you create a different sense of story in communication. Does that help?
Yeah. So let me checking on Kelly basis like how your partner is doing or how she is feeling, he or she is feeling so that.
Sort of help to like deep in their emotional connection or emotional interaction. Is that correct or? Well, yeah. I feel checking in is one thing is is one way.
But like you know, we talked about a few things, right.
Like we said about what's the language, right?
What? What's the priority? Like people are just giving gifts, but my wife doesn't like giving gifts, right?
What's that emotional?
What's that love language, right?
That that she has. What's you know, what's the goals? Like what? You've been vulnerable. Like what's been a situation.
Like what?
What did you find? Trust what?
Trust me.
Does that mean, like you tell everything or you know everything?
What's the boundaries?
Right. What do we respect in terms of like what do we value right?
What's common?
Always ask all why do you love me, right?
Always go. Do they loving someone that have a reason right?
You know, just challenging that right to resolve conflicts.
How do you support? Like there's a lot of stuff like. I'm not saying, hey, this week we should be working on this. But if you cover, like different stuff, like I think last I talked about is a confronting 1, right.
It's like she's like what?
What do you think about? Like, she's really. Oh, she's saying, oh, if you died and like, you know, I will be very hard for me.
Because, you know, a recent friend passed away.
I think, yeah, I agree with you, but I can't give you what I'm gonna do.
Like she say, are you gonna marry remarried?
They're like all these questions, but I said.
But I may not know until I face with that situation right?
So we talk about previous relationships and what we learn from it.
Some people, some couples, may not have that boundary. That may not work.
That's OK, but we're comfortable teasing each other about it.
And just listening like I feel when we're present with each other, just listening and playing by ear.
That thing being flexible, we have a better bond in terms of next week or so because challenges like now this week is school weeks back, right?
You gotta take the kids to school, so you often focus on activity.
Activity activity but you know how often do you sit down with your partner?
Not necessary for dinner.
Just to have that framework to talk about things, right?
Just do it.
Experience experiencing right when we talked about. Yeah, but like, how important is it for individuals to maintain their own identities while being in a relationship?
Oh, you need to reflect and have time for yourself.
Who am I, right.
What am I?
What value am I bringing right?
What's your drive?
What's your reason in doing it right?
I mean, sometimes they go an activity like for example like. Let's say my dad. I'm usually just using.
I'm just providing for the family.
Yeah, that's a great story.
But what do we really need?
Was it like you know you're working seven days a week, or really just spending time together, like so? Therefore now, what I learned is really being present.
I'm not saying I'm with my daughters 24/7, you know that. But it's like if I do be with my daughters like I have the best plan, right?
Even the two girls like, hey, I'm the best one with their life.
They really treasure and they want to be with me, right?
Yeah. So it's what you're going to do.
Not because, hey, I'm doing it for the family yet.
We're just going to go out and have a dinner and we don't talk and there's no like memories that I can treasure on on hold on. Like what?
What do we? We don't even talk, right?
I'm just saying, when we were growing up, we just have our dinner and that's it. So.
Effective communication then.
The fact is, there's no communication.
So when there's no communication, there's a lot of assumptions.
Assumptions like, oh, they think they're doing a good job.
I'm just, you know, I put you in school.
I survive, right?
Suffice one thing.
Like, are we thriving wasn't thriving.
That's for sure.
Right. Like the stuff that I do like, you know, people think I'm thriving. But I'm like, maybe I'm just surviving that. Like, people don't know that actual story until they talk to someone. That's what I'm trying to say.
But I feel, yeah, so don't let the story hold the way that you behave.
Right. Yeah, be mindful.
Like, is that what you really want?
Is that what they really want?
Check in right.
I was coaching a business couple like business partners like, oh, why do they refer?
Are they refer because not because I have lunch with them. Yeah, but have you found out what? Why they referred?
Why is it that you refer to me like? Tell me then.
I know, right?
Often this question doesn't get asked right, so they're assuming right?
This this business wants to have lunch.
This doesn't the reason why I have lunch is that I have a can have lunch.
Have a chat different environment.
Get a nap because they focus on what we're talking about.
Being present because I'm ringing on a phone call. They already got ten other phone calls that they're referring to, right?
I asked you before what we're talking about, so I've got a bit of framework, right. What we're talking about.
So it's a bit more prepared, right?
That's the reason behind it.
Make sense?
Yeah. So.
There might be some signs that a relationship is no longer serving the group.
Either party.
Well.
Like, yeah, you mentioned a lot of conflict, right?
You try like you know many times and it's not going the way that you want to progress to, right?
I'm not saying to give up that easily.
Have you got tried every single thing like and sometimes if it's abusive relationship or there's violence involved, like that's something that you gotta cut off. Like I don't think like you should be condoning any sort of a violence or hey, when you're in a relationship like I can.
Ever foresee that?
In my own relationship, like even people like that done the wrong thing like you know, is it as much to kill them as I mean no like I think.
When it's hitting that part or some sense of violence and and not working, then you got to really have a choice. You all have a choice.
You're just not choosing because it may be a right thing or wrong thing to do.
But is it?
What is it that you want to do and what you value? You will always create when you go away from that relationship, you always go, oh, that person did this, but I think.
Have a reflection on yourself.
What is it that I didn't do or could be better?
You know, in, in contributing to that relationship as well because it doesn't go just pointing the finger at someone else. Like there's two ways, right.
You may need to evolve as as a person or be better right to to be in that next relationship, yeah.
So how can you rebuild trust after it has been broken?
It's funny you say that because.
It's not easy like I use that analogy, and I was a bit.
Different state. When I was sharing with the associates, I said trust is like a plate. If you smash it, even if you have the best super glue and you seal it together, you still can see cracks, right?
So I'm not saying you just breach the trust and then that's it.
Or firstly, do they really value trust? If they don't value trust, they'll always keep on breaking it, right?
That they really value it.
They should really have a set of behaviors in terms of how do they learn from it and not have that same mistake again.
And we all have mistake including myself, right?
I may feel it's not breast of trust, but the other party it is, right?
So I need to understand and reflect on it.
And it takes time. How can you say you trust someone, right?
You know when.
Until they're tested.
Right, that's when you know.
What advice would you like to give to someone who's considering ending a relations ending?
Yeah. Well, I ended in.
I mean, previous to my marriage was a relationship a long time, but because I've identified the values wasn't right because she was focused a bit more on her career growth and there's nothing wrong with that.
It's just that I was at that stage that I wanted to start a family.
I didn't have money at that time. Not a lot of money as well, right?
So I was judged because I didn't have certain.
Economic foundation, maybe?
So because the alignment wasn't prioritized then yeah, I, oh, I think we were engaged.
And then we just discontinued.
Like I just caught it off right?
And then without that then I wouldn't have met like, right?
So there's a lot of things that happen for a reason.
So yeah, I think.
I think you just need to reassess at that moment and you're in a different live stage. So you go through as a person like you know, are you the like little girl? Then you become like a Princess, right?
You, you evolve.
Is it to a queen or you know the man become a a?
Like follower like and then at night, right?
And then they become the king. Like you need to look at what stage you're in because you may have a different partner like that serves the purpose right at that time, right?
Because if you're like, hey, you're towards that king stage and you're wanting someone to play around, right?
May not be that and have fun, right?
May not align because there's a different life stage, right?
But it's not right and wrong in what we're discussing.
But it's just being aware of yourself, yeah.
So what advice would you like to give to someone like me? Just starting a new relations?
Oh, I think it's playing full out being yourself.
Like you may have some excess baggage from the previous, like how things should be or shouldn't be. The key thing is like what you did in a relationship. If you're there to wow definition of if you are a partner relationship is just that.
My definition is that you magnify the experiences, because let's say today I won $1,000,000, right?
Like if it's myself like. Yeah, I I get excited.
But if I was sharing my partner like hey, man like one of $1,000,000, Can you believe it, right?
That's like probably 3 or fourfold amount of intensity. And the celebration because you're with someone, right?
That's what relationship is, right?
If you're in a relationship to take doesn't matter.
Like what it is you're you're still gonna take from that relationship?
So it's about magnifying your experiences.
Right in a relationship.
That's why you're doing it.
So therefore you're going into give rather than you're going into tank because if you're going into tank, you would not be long and sustainable because people always be there in a relationship for the good times.
Not always.
Good times all the time.
We all go through ups and downs, but the question is who are you gonna be for that particular partner when things not going as according to plan, whether it's an illness, whether it's work, whether money, right, whether it's stuff? Because when that's that's just challenge, right often we.
Don't try enough and if you try enough and it still doesn't work, of course you make a make a decision because yeah, you you you're giving so much and then you're burning out whatever it is, right?
Could be time like to walk away, right? But you.
I think right everything and I'm not saying try one thing and that's it.
Right. There's times like hey, maybe a bit toxic or it's violent that you need to walk away.
So that's why I don't have a tip, but I I haven't gone through like I'm just sharing from like what I would be doing right or like my personal experiences, to be honest, right.
Is that what feels like correct? Like and who am I to say what anyone should do?
You should really just experience for yourself and you get better experience.
Right.
And I'm still learning and I'm just following those patterns that I just shared.
So hopefully, yeah, we can get better and have more stories to share in the long run.
Yeah. So once again, getting back to you, like, how do you guys keep your relationship friends and exciting over time?
Well, you need to have that hunger right to what's the like for me.
What's the variety?
What are things that you can like places you can go to? Like we talk about?
Hey, man, dressing up and presentable for each other, right?
Like because we get comfortable, right?
So we just rock up to get the **** right when I could rock up like in a shorts and not really presentable. Like do I Jill my hair?
Do I do this right?
So I just really taking that seriously, right?
Making an effort, right?
And for for me, it's just. Yeah, of course. Like, dressing up looking beautiful, right?
I mean, yeah, beautiful.
Not just from makeup side of things, just being authentic, right?
Have a love being like, you know, like real right and sharing.
Talking right?
Remember we did this sometimes. Like we talk about things like I don't even remember right.
So, but why are we doing this?
Why? Why do I take photos?
Are we? Oh, remember 7 years ago we went to that.
Oh really?
I don't remember that.
Oh yeah, this will happen even if it's story's not real, right?
You're gonna have a laugh about it. So I think it's more around those experiences that that you create.
That's why I call it the magic moments, right?
And time that you spend at that time, you're never gonna get back.
So question is, what are you gonna do about it?
That's why, like every day or every year.
Like, why am I documenting right with the girls like Annabelle's never gonna be 6 again, right?
Why she's 7, right?
So she's not gonna go.
Hey, she's at 10 years old, and she's gonna go back to where she is now.
She's growing so fast, and they're they're they're so tall.
And then there you know what?
They're teenagers and then they know what they're spending time with their friends. Right. So we kind of got.
Hey, can we phrase that time?
It's not about freezing that time, it's about making most of it at that particular time. Like, don't burn yourself out and go, hey, man, I wanna be with them 24/7 and just monitoring.
No, it's not like that.
It's just like even if you say consistency all the time, you're you're seeing them, they they'll not like you for it.
Why is that?
He always around, right?
Why is this right?
You're going on a date every single day.
You get bored, right?
So yeah, you need a bit of variety in your life and.
Just be grateful I I guess.
In you know recognition of efforts and just fostering like you know positivity, right, right.
The reason why I feel it's a great thing for myself, for my mental health and our relationship that we have space together.
Right. You know, even things like she's asking. Oh, when is it?
I'm just talking out loud. Like, you know, kiss me like when you kiss me before. OK? Really.
Well, not in front of the kids.
We're going to, like, have a passionate kiss or something, right, you know.
It depends what the time like where like what you're creating like.
I mean, maybe she's watching a lot of Korean drama series, right?
And then really longing for that, right?
But it's all very scripted at that moment, right?
So I'm not making it right or wrong.
Is this that? That's something you're saying?
Hey, sustain that hunger, right?
Sustain that fire, right?
You both need to come up with ideas.
I don't think it's just from one party. Yeah, yeah.
So what is most important things to discuss before moving in together or getting married?
What do you think about yourself like?
Look, I feel.
Talk about everything, right?
So what I mean?
Let me see.
Yeah, let me just search up best.
Because I did talk about it.
Let's see if it's.
Yeah, well, OK.
So I mean, for me, one of the important topics is definitely money.
I even know people that like nowadays they still have like, you know, no join accounts.
They've got their separate ones, right?
So I mean, we talked about all the way look, not that we map it in and then document everything like there's things like you know, the way that we want to raise our kids, right.
So, you know she has a way of I grew up like studying in public school. Not that my parents had a choice, right.
But I said look, as a parent, I believe in education or the skill sets that are going to have right. If we can afford it and then put them in a better environment, it's still up to them.
I'm not guaranteeing that things are going to work, but we value that education.
They all go to private, right?
If you can, if you can't, then it's public, right?
Like how you treat like family situations, right?
So obviously we have that mutual respect.
I mean, we talked about it's like they have their way in their family to resolve or have my way. Like she doesn't get involved and go, hey, this should be this way or that way, right?
So I mean we clarify that.
Yeah. Like how we raise the kids, we said.
You know, days we talked about, right?
I, you know, intimacy, of course. Right. Different things, right?
How would like to be communicated?
Right. Understanding languages of love, right? We keep like.
You know, challenging each other, right?
So focus on. I do want to be right or you want to be loved, right?
You want to be right, but the key thing is like depends on the situation.
So for example, right?
I like like takes long time to get ready, but when it comes to during the week I can't because I got meetings and I express my frustration.
But when it's the weekend before, I will be like, hey, Are you ready yet?
And then she gets feels a bit pressured and and pushed right because she may take an hour to an hour and a half to get ready.
And that's what it is, right?
So I never say a word. I'll do other stuff or wait for her.
I'll just be patient because like even with friends now, I said.
Oh, it's between that time.
I don't commit because then I'll be frustrated myself, right?
But that's her right.
I'm not saying is it right or because I love her.
I just tolerate with it, right?
So I don't set things that hey, but if it's important to her, she'll always make it on time.
Assist that like she feels. If everything's important every single week, I get it right.
That's why we have no plans, no agenda.
There's not even a time, right?
You can go here.
You can go there and that's the thing that we miss when we, like, have kids is like kids are very like oh need to sleep at a certain time. But for us like, you know, if it's our date, it's like we'll go here. It's around this time we.
Maybe we'll rock up our own book, right?
Yeah. So they they're a lot.
I do have it, but I'll have to find it.
But then I can attach it as a resource.
You know what we're discussing?
They call it Tony talks about it.
The Dirty dozen, right?
So he's talking about like, money and all these other aspect very useful.
I think it's things you talk about.
Yeah, even how are you renting?
Are you getting a mortgage?
What's a game plan? What's the goals?
Right, yeah.
How are you investing?
So what is 1 actionable take?
You can offer to our listeners to prove their to improve their relationship today.
Well, like I said, just lock it in your calendar and make it happen, right?
So if you need to have a babysitter, have a babysitter.
But if you don't have kids yet, then then go out right.
Lock it in. Is it regular?
Is it not regular like this side?
You just need to decide like I feel like we talk about it.
That's great.
You listen to this. That's great.
How often do we listen to a tiktok? My friend and I talking about it today?
Oh yeah.
Hey, we'll take a screenshot.
Take a screenshot's great.
Well, secondly, do you review all these screenshots that you've taken?
And lastly, the next one do action. The screenshots that you've taken to kind of make it real because that's a lot of ****.
Taking it and just listening it in and out like I feel like you said, like, actionable, right?
Take on the calendar. If you're doing that already in terms of like having a date or somethings, you're asking about your partner that you haven't asked before.
But what's something that you want to discuss that you haven't discussed before, right?
And you're putting putting that off right?
And what's the conflict that you know you want to resolve, right?
You know those sort of things?
I think that's one step closer. Does that help?
Yeah. So we are about to wrap up.
So before we go so like if you could.
For listeners with one key take away about relationship and what it be, well, I think the overall is love is a very powerful force.
Right, like things like gravity, like seasons, like like you can't, like really hate to find it.
It's not like, hey, this cup, it has copyright.
You can define it.
It's an unspoken force, right?
But it's often the most powerful right?
So therefore you need to work on it.
But if you don't talk about it and nothing gets done, it's that mindset.
You're focusing on it like you want a different result, but you're not willing to shift your mindset or take action or take action.
So really understand that it's a powerful force. Then nothing's gonna change.
That's how we should wrap it up, OK?
All right.
Thank you, everyone. See you in the next one.
Allen Chan stopped transcription
